mid-spring thoughts

I've said it before and I'll say it again...there's something very transitional about this time of year.  It has a certain je ne sais quoi about it - things are in motion and so much just seems to be happening all at once.  The spring always goes by so fast!

The last few weeks have been rather interesting for me.  The details don't necessarily matter for our purposes here, but all the changes in my life are making themselves more apparent.  I have been overwhelmed by how amazing the people in my life are!  But, I have also been disappointed by those who have turned out not to be what they seemed.

I try to turn around and not look back into my past if possible, but in a strange way, I find that the transitional period of this spring is throwing it back in my face.  The choices I made, the options I decided against, the things I had no control over, all seem to be rearing their motley heads into the foreground of my mind, almost as if they are begging me to examine possibilities of what could have been.

I'm not sure whether examining these possibilities is necessary or not.  Aside from things that happened which I had no control over, I feel that the choices we make at one point are made for a reason - usually because they were appropriate for that point in time, and perhaps what we thought was best for everyone.  I like to believe that we should live with no regrets.  But I can't help but wonder: is that really possible? 

YouTube Deejay Sessions: Donde Estan Los Ladrones

I was going through my music when I rediscovered one of the first CDs (actual CD format) I bought for myself as a kid, which was Shakira's album "Donde Estan Los Ladrones."

My first ever album on tape was Ace of Base - "The Sign".  The Sign will always hold a special place in my heart simply because of how much time I spent singing along to it, earliest singing performances was of "The Sign" for a talent show in grade school.  I could argue that this album (and Courtney Love - if you've read my earlier posts on this topic, you'd know that she was my idol as a kid, I wanted to sing just like her) were part of why I ever got into singing at all.

But "Donde Estan Los Ladrones" has got to be one of my favorite albums of all time.  Before Shakira was all blonde and doing crazy dance music, this is what she was doing.  For me, this album is timeless and I really went way too long without listening to it.  And it's also on YouTube in it's entirety...boom :-)

i still get by with a little help from my friends.

I'm pretty sure that I have the best friends that anyone could ever hope to ask for.  It's odd for me to be at an actual loss for words, but I honestly just don't know that words can adequately convey how much they mean to me.  I don't think I need to list them or individually acknowledge them on this rather public forum, because they just know who they are and I hope that they know how much I appreciate them.  I am and will be forever honored to have the privilege of calling them my friends.  I don't know what I would be without them.

if you can't laugh about something...

If you can't laugh about something, then you'll just cry about it.

Good thing I've always loved to laugh :-)

losing my touch

There was a time when some of my posts on this blog were hilarious.  Like actually funny.  But lately, when I go back and read some of my more recent posts (except for maybe the one before this), they don't inspire a nostalgic grin.

I think I know what's going on here.  Part of the problem is that I'm, like, you know, living my life and not stopping to write about all the fun stuff, but the other problem is that I kind of feel as though some of the lightheartedness of before has left my posts.   

Just as I was about to write some drawn out and meaningful sounding contemplation as to why this could be, I figured out the problem. 

How did I figure it out?

Well, the universe spoke to me.  By that I mean: I fell asleep mid-sentence on my laptop and when my face hit the keys, I woke up, only to find that my face had typed nonsense.  So, the only conclusion that I could come to was that I'm just sleepy. I hope that's all it is and that I'm not really losing my touch.

the ice cream is not free...

I decided that I'm going to take a certain subject out from my internal list of things which I had initially deemed to be off-limits to blog about.  This subject is....

Dating.

I use the word "dating" loosely, simply because I'm never actively searching, and I'm so awkward when it comes to these things that I never actually can tell if people like me, and when they admit that they might, I usually can't comprehend it and/or don't believe it and start laughing inappropriately. 

I tend to get hollered at in the street by random strangers fairly frequently.  It gets old and it's unwelcome (perhaps I'm just not intimidating enough).  I will begin my quest into this new territory of my blog with an anecdote.

When I was home last weekend, a new low was reached.  It had nothing to do with anything I did, but it was a low nonetheless.

I was walking to the post office to drop off some invitations that I was responsible for hand addressing (I have pretty impeccable handwriting if I do say so myself).  I didn't feel comfortable just dropping them in the nearby mailbox at the risk of some brat from the nearby middle school deciding to use it as a trash receptacle as soon as I put the invitations in, so I took the opportunity to go on a walk on a lovely day.  I was dressed in long pants and a short-sleeved shirt.

Not far from my house, but right in front of the local elementary school, I found myself stuck behind a slow-walking ice cream peddler who will be referred to as "el paletero".  It was pretty warm outside, and he was pushing a cart full of ice cream, so I can understand why he would be walking as slowly as he was, but I couldn't bring myself to continue at that pace for another block, so I naturally decided to pass him.

I had noticed that he was on the phone, but suddenly, his speech seemed to be directed at me.
"Eres maestra? [are you a teacher?]" Initially, I thought that he was still talking to someone on the phone, but when he repeated himself more loudly, I looked behind me and saw that he was looking right at me.

I replied to him in Spanish that I was not a teacher and didn't work at the school. 

I tried to continue walking, and he continued to ask me questions.  He asked me if I lived in the area.  I said that I was from the area, but was only around a few days because I live in another state.  He asked how long I would be staying, and I said that I would only be around for 4 days.  He then offered me ice cream from his cart.  I politely declined, citing that I had just eaten a very large meal at Sizzler and was not interested.  He then switched languages and started talking to me in English (which was mildly offensive since there was nothing wrong with my Spanish) and informed me that the ice cream would be free.  I was also so full from lunch that no amount of free ice cream could entice me to eat again until dinner.  Naturally, I declined again.

To my shock and dismay, el paletero then asked me if I would like to get dinner with him that Sunday night.

WAIT. WHAT?  Had I heard that right?

On the fly, I told him I was busy, made up a fake companion and declined.  I used this chance to break away from the conversation.  I continued on my way to the post office and he turned the corner and continued walking in the opposite direction.

As I walked away, I started laughing in disbelief.  I had just gotten propositioned for a date by el paletero/the ice cream peddler on a street corner, no less.  THIS HAD JUST HAPPENED.

My childhood image of wholesome paleteros who used to give me extra ice cream and 50 cent fruit popsicles had been dismantled instantly.  What would have happened if I'd thoughtlessly accepted the "free" ice cream?  Would he have expected me to accept his request for a date?  That ice cream was not free - it was a loaded offer.

I continued my errands and returned home a few hours later.  When I got home, as soon as I walked in the door, my grandma offered me some ice cream.  I then told her what had happened just a few hours before - we both started laughing and she promised me that the ice cream she had just offered me really was free.

all by myself.

Whenever a major holiday rolls around, I tend to experience feelings of anxiety.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, but for me it is what it is.  There are a few holidays which I have not spent at home (meaning where I grew up) in a length of time approaching a decade.  But I am never alone, because I have amazing friends whose families welcome me into their homes every year and invite me to celebrate with them so that I am not alone.

I consider myself to be a fairly relaxed individual in social situations most of the time.  Even when I am slightly anxious, I am able to work past it so that I can enjoy myself and not off put other people by being quiet and uncomfortable. (The only exception is when I'm really really tired or hungry...not good).  But sometimes, the anxiety that I get from approaching holidays is so bad, that I just want to be alone and spend them with my cat in my house.  When I've said this before, I've been looked at like I'm out of my fucking mind, which I'm not (for the record).  As a result, I just don't say it very often.

I think it's hard for people to understand why one would want to spend a holiday alone.  I think when we see someone eating by themselves on Thanksgiving, we're too quick to assume that they have no one to spend it with.  Perhaps that is true some of the time, but I don't believe that it always is the truth.  For me, the acceptance of holidays alone comes from an awareness that holidays at home as I knew them will never again exist as they were.  Celebrations at home always involved:

1. Tamales
2. An argument about who was going to get the tamales/where we were going to get them.
3. An argument about whether Mexican or Guatemalan tamales were superior (the verdict is still out, I like them both), or over some other trivial issue
4. I usually was offered pastries - I don't like pastries or sweets very much in general, but it was always assumed that I did.  And it still is to this day.  I eat them anyway.
5. Love.  Despite any arguments over tamales or anything else, there was always love.

I'll be honest, when I moved to Philadelphia, I had no idea what (if not tamales) people were "supposed" to eat at Easter, Christmas, and New Years.  Spending holidays with my awesome friends' families is always an adventure because every family has their own take on celebrating and their own traditions.  But sometimes, the reality of not having things as they were and knowing that they will never be that way again, and having that thrust in the limelight is harder to bear than the thought of spending a holiday alone.

Believe it or not, I am having a lovely and relaxing Easter.